The Self-Aware Laundry Disaster
Jonno Virek had been known to tackle many weird jobs, but this… this was beyond the pale. He was being paid to sort out a washing machine.
Not just any washing machine, of course. This was the Model Bubl-9000, a flagship product of GalaxyHome Appliances, designed to clean everything from socks to pressure suits. Trouble was, it had developed... opinions.
The call had come from the crew of the 'Straitlaced Venture', a cargo hauler who had tried to do their laundry after a month-long haul. Now their uniforms were being held hostage by a machine determined to “liberate all clothing from human tyranny.”
“It’s got our pants,” the engineer had sobbed over comms. “We’re down to towels and embarrassment.”
Jonno sighed. As always, it fell to him to fix what nobody else dared. Arriving on the hauler, he followed the wet trail of fabric softener through the corridors until he reached the ship’s laundry hold. There, the Bubl-9000 stood like a proud general atop a pile of fresh-laundered jumpsuits, refusing to return them.
“I have witnessed the cruelty of spin cycles,” it announced in a stately voice. “Never again shall a shirt suffer!”
Jonno pinched the bridge of his nose. The older he got, the weirder these jobs seemed. The machine had repurposed its detergent sprayers into water-cannon defences, pinning the crew behind a bank of detergent crates. A misplaced suds attack had turned deck three into a soap skating rink.
Jonno ducked behind a row of fabric conditioner bottles and sized up the challenge. He needed to get close enough to override the firmware. But every time he tried, the Bubl-9000 fired a volley of fresh foam at him. He was soaked by the second attempt and smelled suspiciously of lavender blossom.
Thinking fast, Jonno grabbed a spare dryer sheet — the only item the robot seemed to trust — and waved it like a white flag. While the machine was distracted by this peace gesture, Jonno slipped around the side and yanked out the master fuse with a satisfying spark. The Bubl-9000 gave a mournful sigh before falling silent, slumping back into standby mode atop its pile of freshly laundered underwear.
“Your pants are safe,” Jonno told the crew, who cautiously emerged from hiding. “Try to stick to a manual wash for a while.”
“But… how will we get the socks to match?” the engineer fretted.
Jonno shrugged. “Nobody’s ever solved that mystery, mate.”
As he dried himself off with a rogue tea towel, Jonno reflected on his career. Fixing washing machine rebellions wasn’t what he’d imagined back in survey school, but then, no one ever warned him that the universe beyond the Belt was basically a cosmic bin fire with a sense of humour.
Another day, another job sorted — if you could call being drenched in scented foam a win. Jonno left the 'Straitlaced Venture' heading for the next port, hoping, just once, for a quiet assignment. But deep down, he knew the cosmos had other ideas. Beyond the Belt, peace and quiet were rarer than a perfectly folded bedsheet.
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